Good morning!

Have you had to deal with your child lying to you? Every parent I've met has caught their child lying.

You can deal with their lie in various ways, but a punishment-oriented reaction will often backfire, especially if punishment is “doubled” to punish both the lying and whatever behavior the lying was trying to hide.

By following the strategies below, you can reduce future lying and help your child learn valuable skills.

Punishing your kids extra hard for lying usually fails.

When you double the punishment, this might fuel chronic lying by your child for a variety of reasons:

• Your punishment was so harsh that your child responds by improving their skills at hiding lies or other rule-breaking

• Your child felt that your punishment "didn't fit the crime" of their lying and that you are the one in the wrong

• Your child feels that you overreact emotionally, so they continue lying to avoid your meltdowns

• Your child develops a pattern of avoidance around a routine responsibility

You can overcome these problems and effectively deal with your child's lying by following these steps: 👇👇👇

Step 1: Wait until you are calm, then tell your child that you value honesty and expect it from them, even when it's hard.

You must regularly remind your child of the values that you hold as a family.

Sometimes, parents make the mistake of asking their children if they have lied. Don't go down that road. If you caught them, assume you are correct. Don't try to force a confession.

Kids who are caught in a lie often deny it. If your child claims they are not lying, you can respond, "Don't make it worse." If they point out a time when you, as a parent, have lied, ignore the bait. 🪝

When you catch your child in a lie, it's perfectly reasonable to say, "I know that you are not telling the truth. I'm not okay with that. I expect honesty from you. Being truthful is a value we have as a family."

Step 2: Figure out what your child was avoiding with their lie.

Kids lie for all kinds of reasons. It's your job to find out the reason for the lie.

Sometimes, kids lie to enact a deception to do something they are generally not allowed to do, such as go to a party or do some other activity you disapprove of. If you’re dealing with this, you can just give your kid a consequence for the rule-breaking.

Far more often, kids lie to avoid doing something, like homework, chores, hygiene, going to school, or taking responsibility for something that gets broken.

Right now, I'm focusing on this type of lie, because you can eliminate it while teaching your kids new skills.

Step 3: Help or make your child do the thing that they were using the lie to avoid.

This step is the actual consequence of the lie, and it's technically not a punishment.

Helping (or forcing) your child to do the thing(s) they have been avoiding with their lie does two things:

1. It teaches them that there is a consequence for avoiding things by lying.

2. It gives them practice taking responsibility and accomplishing the task they want to avoid.

This type of parenting approach takes your direct effort. It takes creativity and discipline. And it will take your time. 🕰️

You'll feel calm, decisive, and confident when approaching parenting this way.

You don't have to flip out on your kids when they lie. Instead, you can use these steps to flip the script!

Warmest regards,

Len

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