Good morning!

This week, I had several opportunities to coach people on empathy in parenting.

So often when dealing with kids who are irritable, rude, defiant, sneaky in their rule-breaking, or just overcommitted and overwhelmed, parents can be triggered into a big negative reaction.

We might blow up at our kids or spontaneously punish them by grounding them or taking their things, like their phone or a gaming system.

What happens then?

Reacting too quickly or negatively to our child’s behavior often escalates a conflict or worsens the problem. We end up getting the opposite of the outcome we want.

Empathy typically works best when we start with it. Reacting quickly and negatively when dealing with our child can spoil our chance of using empathy in the situation.

So, how can we stay calm when our kid’s behavior triggers us?

Know and manage your buttons

Kids often know exactly what to say or do to upset their parents. They’ve had a lot of practice pushing our buttons, so they might actually know our “buttons” more thoroughly than we do.

It can take a lot of self-awareness and practice to learn to remain outwardly calm when triggered. People sometimes can do this on their own or together with a supportive spouse. Sometimes, it takes working with a skilled therapist. And it’s definitely easier when our own emotional batteries aren’t depleted.

Starting with empathy

When we lead with empathy in response to problem behavior, we give ourselves a chance to deal with the root cause of our child’s behavior, which can help them learn to better self-regulate. It can also strengthen our relationship with them.

When our child is irritable toward us, they are not usually thinking, “I have no respect for you.” Instead, they are often sick, sad, tired, hungry, or anxious.

If our kiddo is rude, they might lack awareness of how they come across, feel embarrassed, or be convinced that their bravado is admirable.

When they are overcommitted and overwhelmed, they aren’t thinking, “The world revolves around me, and everyone needs to cater to my every desire.” They are often exhausted, regretting their choices, or secretly hopeful that others will support them until they escape their jam.

For more on empathy in parenting, you can check out my article on the topic.

Empathy helps us to understand the why behind the challenging behaviors of our kids. It helps us better deal with the cause of their behavior and support them in their development. And having compassion and leading with empathy can yield huge dividends in our relationship with them.

Warmest regards,

Len

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